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An insight into my everyday crazy life!
My blog
I wanted to write this while I still felt the way I felt... But for some reason I couldn't continue writing it in that state of mind and after seeing my counsellor it was clear that continuing to write this particular blog whilst feeling the way I had would have been a mistake. However I will stil write it, but now, with a much clearer mind! I have very openly expressed my struggle with depression and anxiety and on this particular day I was having a rough day. Not because anyone was nasty and mean, not because something went wrong and of no ones fault it was just a bad day. I've been having a lot more good days rather than bad days, in actually fact I hardly have bad days anymore which is great! But it's ok... If sometimes, I'm not alright! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to cry or feeling sad or angry for absolutely no reason. Its hard to remember that when people constantly ask you "are you ok?", "what's wrong?", "why are you upset?", "cheer up!" Etc bevause you feel like you're not aloud to feel that way. But they don't know any better. They haven't fought the fight you have. We all struggle with different things in different ways and no two people are the same. Depression and anxiety affects 1 in only 4 young Australians and 1 in 16 Australians experience depression and anxiety at some point and as I said before, Each persons journey is different and no two are the same, much like a finger print. For me, I tend to take it out on people. Sometimes they deserve it because they may have actually done something, most of the time they don't. Usually I just over react to something that doesn't need that much emotion, in as I'll be very upset over something insignificant and my head becomes clouded, hence why I chose to wait until i was more clear to continue writing this for you all, I can't think straight, I can't see straight and my emotions take over. That used to happen a lot, daily in actual fact and it was very hard, near impossible to control my emotions. I would get extremely upset at the smallest things and I'd constant be doubting myself and the people around me. It felt like someone else was in control of my body and when they had done enough damage they let me take over to watch it all fall apart and to pick up the pieces for lack of a better explanation! It was not how I wanted to live, constantly in fear of losing everyone and thinking I wasn't good enough, thinking that I was always annoying people and that everyone actually hated me but they put up with me because I was there! Not to mention the amount of times I just could not cope... I would go to work and 2 hours in I'd have a complete meltdown where I would uncontrollably cry and then when I did compose myself enough to request going home once I left I would continue crying and breaking apart. That lonely feeling laying in bed at 3am and feeling like you have absolutely no one to talk to and that's when you start believing it and wanting to fix the "problem" is how I felt most of the time, day in and day it... I became severely suicidal Now for me, the worst moment came not after a stress induced panic attack at work, but when I was walking down the street with some friends and out of absolutely nowhere I started crying, quite literally out of nowhere! I'm so glad that my friends understood and tried to comfort me. Being the sort of person that can't really cry a lot in front of people as it takes a lot to push me to that point, I did my best to stop as soon as I could! I tried my hardest to make the best of what was left of the day and of course afterwards I apologised to everyone, they didn't actually care, by which I mean they understood and it didn't make them think less of me, they were all just glad I was ok. But that was the last straw for me! I had, had enough of feeling like I was going to self destruct any second. I went to my doctor and requested counselling instead of medication because clearly the medication wasn't helping the real issues, whatever they were. But not having any money to pay I explained my financial situation and I was put onto a government funded program. Actually two programs... The first was called lighthouse, the focus of this program was to simply reduce suicidal thoughts and it ran 2 days a week for a period of time until which I was changed to a program called ataps which became one session a week and I have recently finished that program although I do plan to continue seeing my counsellor. Believe me when I say that, had I have known what an impact counselling would have on my life, I would have started a long time ago. I always saw it as talking to some stranger who wouldn't understand what I was going through but it has helped tremendously. It has been a long road, a journey really. But without the support of my friends and those I love I would not have had the strength to keep going and to push through. I know things seem dark and you can't see the light, you can't see a way out. I promise it does get better, hold on even if you're holding on day by day, just keep going and stay strong. Talk to your doctor and seek help. MUCH LOVE XOXO If you ever feel alone and like you have
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It's more socially accepted now more than ever before, to be gay, lesbian or bi. But despite more people being accepting and understanding of people who don't necessarily love the opposite genders, it doesn't make the struggle of coming out any easier. The fear of judgement and rejectment is very much still prominent for a lot of people and difficult to move past. For myself personally, I struggled with my sexuality from about the age of 13-14 years old. I used to think it was a phase, just a part of my life, I kept telling myself "maybe everyone goes through this, you know kind of liking the same sex" in fact I did my best to make men some what more sexualised than women in the hopes that I would stop seeing women sexually attractive to, of course that didn't work! Over the years I slowly stopped suppressing my feelings for women and just accepted that even though I liked females, I would just have to only love males. It worked for a while, I just sort of forgot about it and didn't think about it because I had, to a point, accepted part of myself, but growing up and becoming my own person and moving out of home I found myself surrounded by more and more people because of such a dramatic change in circumstance in my life, it started to play on my mind again and due the the recent dramatic shift in support for the LGBT community and its people I started to actually think I would be able to perhaps tell people and see how it felt to call myself... Well wait, what exactly am I? I wholeheartedly disliked the "label" BI SEXUAL and it just did NOT feel right for me. But what then? With so many varieties of sexuality now days I started to research what they all meant!
Hmm I like the sound of pansexual, but what is the basic meaning? Well I researched that even further and found the term quite literally means "gender blind" and it was that very day back in June 2015 at the age of 21 that I found peace within myself and fully and completely accepted who I was... A pansexual. But, did I want to start telling people? Scared to death to tell anyone that, in actually fact I wasn't exactly who they thought I was... I guess I changed that day in a big way. I wanted to just tell ONE PERSON just to know that I could muster the courage to say it out loud, in a way to officialise it I guess. The day I first told someone... I was heading into the city, as normal, off to see one of my best friend Jarryd who was busking. Later that evening we were walking around, after hanging out and we were just talking about random stuff and the subject of a girl he knew came up when he said that she was a bi sexual girl and was telling me this story and I decided this would be as good a time than any to just say it out loud! See me and my friend Jarryd were already fairly close and he's a very open person so I think he was probably the best choice to not only share it with but to try it out and to see how it felt to say. All I really remember was nervously but casually saying "yeah I'm pansexual..." Well you can imagine my relief when he turned around so completely unaware to the magnitude of the situation for me and said "HEY I just learnt what that means like last week" and I just told him, "well thank god I didn't have to explain it to you" we both sort of laughed and continued nonchalantly with our conversation I didn't actually tell him until a few months later that it was the first time I had in a sense COME OUT. Strangely enough it wasn't a problem after that, it felt a little strange to say it sometimes like if someone casually said "oh you like girls to?" Of course I would explain what pansexuality is, merely calling it "gender blind". I must thank an incredible woman, Ellise doctor for all her support and advice in the period between thinking about it and actually coming out, she was a very huge part of my journey and I couldn't have done it without her help and I honestly feel so blessed to be surrounded by people who are so accepting, which is often the case for people struggling with sexuality issues but the fear gets the better of them. *Strangely I go through some what of a phase because some days I'll be highly attracted to men and other days women... Right now I feel so attracted to women I'm considering just calling myself lesbian! Hahaha* I want you to know that no matter who you are attracted to, it doesn't matter in the slightest... Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind! When you accept it and trust in yourself you will find inner peace and it will feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders , just know that you are not alone and that each of you are beautiful inside and out! For those of you who would like to talk, need advice or perhaps want to come out yourself feel free to contact me via my CONTACT PAGE. LOVE YOURSELF Hi everyone!
Firstly let me thank you for taking the time to read this and for visiting my site, I really do appreciate it and I hope you enjoy what you find here the more it grows. So it's EASTER weekend :) I hope everyone is staying safe, I'm currently sitting in my PJs at home, eating toasties and contemplating exactly what I'll be writing for you in my first blog. I wanted to share a little about myself and why I'm doing this, although you may have read a little about who I am in the "ABOUT ME" section, I'm from Melbourne, born and raised... on the playground is where I spent most of my days ;) ... Ok that was a joke! But in all seriousness I did grow up a little south of Melbourne, in the Mornington peninsula. I had a mum, a dad and 2 younger brothers, pretty normal right? It was for a while! None of my family really knew how I felt and probably still don't and I'm not hear to air dirty laundry, I'm just here to talk about my experience. So I've basically been bullied for as long as I can remember, the first incident I can think of was back when I was about 7 years old and a girl in my class was fighting with me and the teacher told us both off and gave us detention, which I remember never actually happened either. Also around that same time, I was walking home from school one day and I used to always walk out the back entrance because all I would have to do is walk down to a small pathway into a court and at the end of that court I would cross the road to mine. But on this day a group of young kids around my age and a little older cornered me in that small pathway and ended up running across my arms, hands and legs with roller blades, scooters and skateboards. Safe to say that was probably the most scared I'd ever been. Right through primary school I was bullied, by one girl in particular and I remember her name to, Elisha Greene. I never did understand why she hated me so much, I had (like most children) tried to ask her myself and got no response. The strange thing is she could actually be nice on a rare occasion. I remember one time in P.E. (Physical Education, for those who aren't aware) she was bullying my best friend at the time, Jade (who I'm still friends with today) she pushed her against the wall and all I remember was a lot of yelling and screaming. Strangely enough they both became friends not long after that, I didn't understand why at first but knowing jade as long as I have I think it was her ability to forgive and move on, which I feel is a big lesson she taught me back then even if I didn't know it at the time. i look back now and although I would hate for any child to go through being bullied at school (which sadly is a never ending daily occurrence) in comparison to everything else I've been through, that was nothing! Although I really couldn't have gotten through it without some incredible teachers particular Ms Carr who taught me never to take life to seriously, Mr Minehan who showed great kindness all the time, Mrs Herbert who was by far the best music teacher and truly inspired my passion for music and my favourite teacher ever Mrs Powell who honestly promised she would whip my butt into shape and she certainly did, all year round she stuck by my side and helped me through everything, she inspired me and is a big part of who I am today! Heading off to high school wasn't a hard choice where to go, but I do regret my decision, I chose a school (a new school) away from almost every student I ever knew from primary, in the hopes to start fresh and build myself up again... Because we all want to have a fresh image, so to speak. But the hope for that went down hill quickly. I can't speak of every incident but I'll tell you a few, first time I ever felt self conscious about myself, I was 13! Year 7 I was standing at my locker in class and a girl named Emily laughed at me and pointed out that I need to "shave my legs" because they were "gross" funnily enough I ended up working with her later in life. She may not have realised but that was a defining moment in what became a string of very large self confidence issues. After that I got picked on for the absolute smallest and insignificant things, not 1 day did I go to school where I wasn't picked on for my weight... "fat" "whale" "gross" "fatty" "fat slut" "giant whale" "big girl" "fat bitch" "lose weight" "You're disgusting". Although looking back they don't seem like horrible names, at the time they made me feel so alone. I did have some friends, who I now don't even speak to, but there was a few people who I couldn't have gotten through without, particularly Hayley W and Bek H. (Who I'm still friends with to) I regret not telling them how much their friendship meant to me! When I was about 15, already unknowingly suffering from depression, I suffered from eating problems. In fact I guess it was my own form of self harm. A defining moment in my teen years was when I stood on the scale with a cup of sugar, as I ate it and I watched myself tip from 99kg to 100kg and I've never been under 100kg since. I've never regretted something so much in my life but at the time I didn't look fat but I felt it because of all the comments, so I decided to make what everyone said even more true and I put my body through hell. That was also the year of my first anxiety attack, even though I didn't know it back then. As the bullying had gotten to much for me I stood in the middle of the school yard threw my bag down and just screamed and cried because I was so emotionally exhausted. At 16, year 10 I was in what we called "PreCal" it was the same class of people all year, myself, 1 girl and about 15 guys. Although I had a lot of fun there was about 4 guys in that class who couldn't help but pick on me and one day it got to much, I cracked and walked out of class and didn't come back that day. I have to thank Cameron L for being a solid friend to me over a few years actually, even when people had bad things to say about him I'd always shut them down because I knew how it felt and even if he didn't know it he kind of did the same thing for me, he always asked if I was ok and he would step in if the guys started to mess with me. Kind of like a big brother I guess haha I'm still in contact with him now to. At the end of year 10 I was invited to the formal after party and that, for some stupid reason, made me not want to leave school because the people I hung out with were kind of nice but It wasn't until year 11 and a change of school did my life start to change, see it was ironically never the "POPULAR" kids that bullied me, In fact on occasion they stood up for me. Things only started changing because I started skipping school and mucking around in class and I stopped caring about everything, mainly because I was sick of school. I have to say I could not have gotten through any of high school if not for one of the greatest woman I've ever met, Crystal gore, although we weren't always friends when we became friends she quickly became someone I relied on very much and I seriously never had more fun than I did in my last 6 months of school with her. Even though we don't speak often now days when we do it's amazing because we catch up on each other's lives and we have so much to talk about and I do love her dearly, she's an amazing girl! (I'm going to go message her right now actually) Even though sometimes I regret leaving school because I didn't learn as much as I could have, I was also very much relieved to be out... No more bullying! But I still had a home life that was far from desirable, but I'll save that for another day! Well I think that's all for my first blog, remember if you have any questions, need advice or would like to just have a chat please contact me using the links in the contact section! Thank you for reading this, I want you to know that no matter what you're going through, you can get through it! It doesn't seem that way now but you will. Also to anyone I mentioned and those I may not have, If you do read this I want to thank you for being a part of why I'm still here and why I got through all those moments. You're friendship meant more than I was ever able to tell you. Much love Aimee Lee xoxo ps: stay safe this long weekend and enjoy the chocolates! |
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October 2017
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