Dear...
If you had only 24 hours to live...
What would you do? What would you say?
Now go ahead and live!
What would you do? What would you say?
Now go ahead and live!
Dear...
Many of us wish we could talk to our younger selves and tell them about everything we have learnt up until now, to tell ourselves that despite everything we actually made it. What would you say if you could tell your teen self ANYTHING? Dear teen me,
I know you, better now than back then and I know how much it hurt! I know how confused you where when someone you loved became close to someone who hurt you, someone who hurt them to. I know how hard you tried for the ones who were teaching you valuable lessons in life even if you didn't know then because you wanted to make them proud because you knew it was their life's work to help you. You fought to make the ones who were meant to love you, actually love you. You prayed hard well before you were a believer, you prayed he would stop and you prayed that she would care, you prayed for an escape but when any form presented itself you'd get scared and hide! I remember those moments sitting in your room and falling to pieces, falling on your knees wanting the pain to end to stop. I remember the conversations to God and to yourself. The nights were dark and the days grew darker, you didn't want to wake up but afraid to even sleep. Oh I promise if I could go back I would take your hand and rescue you I'd save you all that pain if I knew how I would I swear!! You tried and fought for so long and so fervently and desperately clinging to the hope that it would not be in vein, that you wore yourself out to the point that you lost control of yourself, you lost who you were and something took over! Something else would fill you up and the glimmer of hope and happiness that used to twinkle and burn in your eyes sparked out. You lost all ability to believe, in yourself, in others and the world! But I have news for you... You found it again! It took a long time and you fought like a soldier, a warrior, but you got there. You finally found peace and you wouldn't believe it but your journey began with the support and love of one person and now you have an army, you have so many people who truly care about you and even though it will take you a long time to believe not only in others but especially yourself... It will happen! You learnt how not to rely on others for your own happiness, you finally saw the beauty inside yourself, you accepted who you are ALL of it, you finally put yourself before others and stopped letting people take you for granted. All those names and talks from everyone stopped affecting you and you gained self worth and confidence, you finally have hope and faith as well! I just want you to remember that no matter how hard things may seem, how much it hurts or how badly you want to give up... Promise me you won't! Because even though you don't believe in yourself, I believe in you! Aimee xo
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What do you do, When the one person who was always meant to love you, becomes your biggest let down? Express how you feel and move on! Dear dad,
I don't think you understand how many times I cried to myself while I blasted "perfect" by simple plan. Because there came a day where the song went from meaningless to describing everything I couldn't say! "Hey dad look at me Think back and talk to me Did I grow up according to plan? And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do? But it hurts when you disapprove all along" It's almost midnight and here I am, crying while I write this letter that you'll never read, why? Simple... You just don't care! The crazy thing is the more you pushed the harder I tried to keep you here, but i was just never strong enough was I? I was never enough for you to want to stick around and I honestly don't know who I disappointed more, you or me! "And now I try hard to make it I just wanna make you proud I'm never gonna be good enough for you Can't pretend that I'm alright And you can't change me" I honestly did everything I could think of to make you see how much I truly loved you and how badly I wanted you to love me to. I watched your stupid shows and tried to enjoy the movies you liked even though I hated most of them, I asked you about the stupid boats you had and how many fish you caught, I asked you what it took to get your boat license, I told you I wanted to go diving with you, I listened to all your favourite singers and bands, I only ever played the music you liked. I tried to learn all about computers and the software so I could do things on them just like you. I told people "I love my dad because we get along so well!" I said "my dad is great because we always have fun together" but that didn't last did it? "Cause we lost it all Nothing lasts forever I'm sorry I can't be perfect Now it's just too late and We can't go back I'm sorry I can't be perfect" I lost count of how many times I would sit on mums bed crying to her asking her why you only ever asked the boys to go fishing, or asked them to go for drives, or play fought with them, or watched movies and stuff with them. I forget how many times she had told me "I've told him he will lose you if he keeps pushing you away" I tried to forget about how hurt I felt, I kept trying and trying. I kept telling myself that it won't happen... "I won't give up!" No matter how many screaming arguments we had, no matter how many times you threatened to kick me out or the amount of times you even turned the power off because I wouldn't go to sleep when you said... I always said "just keep trying, don't give up" I'm sorry. But you hurt me to much and cared so little... I had to give up! "I try not to think About the pain I feel inside Did you know you used to be my hero? All the days you spent with me Now seem so far away And it feels like you don't care anymore And now I try hard to make it I just wanna make you proud I'm never gonna be good enough for you I can't stand another fight And nothing's alright" I even moved across the country to another state. You didn't say goodbye, you didn't offer to drive me to the airport... No one did! I had to bus it... I TOOK A BUS TO THE AIRPORT WITH 2 SUITCASES AND A CARRY BAG TO MOVE ACROSS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE CARED LESS!!!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? IM YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!! I heard from you, all of maybe a dozen times for the entire first year and a half I was even over here and then maybe 3 times in the 2nd year to the point where I had been hurt so bad and let down so hard, that I couldn't do it anymore. You know what the worse thing is? I spent my 22nd birthday sitting in the middle of a dim lit city crying my eyes out because I had finally had enough... I was sick of trying and not getting anything from you, you didn't try at all! You never called and then when I got a call saying that for me to ignore you was unfair... Well, I just couldn't do it anymore! I hung up and you called back, you kept calling to, but again you didn't listen when I told you to stop! I didn't want to talk to you! "Nothing's gonna change the things that you said Nothing's gonna make this right again Please don't turn your back I can't believe it's hard Just to talk to you But you don't understand" After a whole year of not speaking to you, has passed. I finally feel at peace enough within myself to move on, because I never planned on being like other people in the family. Believe me I wouldn't call what I have done a "grudge" because believe it or not I missed you every god damn day! It took more strength not to call you and talk to you than it did to try with you! But yet again... I tried one last time I TRIED and I get absolutely nothing! But that's ok... Because I remembered that song daddy. I remember that we lost it all, I remember that nothing lasts forever and I want to say I'm sorry I can't be perfect! But it's just to late and you know we can't go back. I'm sorry... I can't be perfect! Mummys little girl! Xo Hey beautiful... Yes you, reading this right now!
When you're finished reading this letter I want you to do 2 things for me, 1st I want you to go to a mirror and look at yourself, REALLY look and I want you to say the first thing you think of ANYTHING that comes to mind, say it to yourself. Now 2nd I want you to stop putting yourself down and I want you to reverse what you just said, if you said "I hate my eyes" tell yourself "I love my eyes" or if you called yourself "Fat" I want you to say "I am beautiful the way I am" reverse whatever it was you just said okay? Got it? Now, I want you to come up with 5 things about yourself you like. It can be about the thing you picked out or it can be 5 completely separate things. I want you to tell yourself, look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself in the mirror out loud and if you have to say it 2 or 3 times even more. I don't care if you laugh because you feel silly, if you laugh then you smile and if you smile you might just believe what you are saying is true and you should, Because it is! I know how hard it is to feel beautiful, believe me I do. But you are exactly where you are meant to be in your life, you look how you should and you are the way you are because EVERYHING had a reason and nothing in this world is perfect. I know you may want to be skinner, perhaps thinner legs, flatter tummy, straighter nose, longer hair, bigger eyes, fuller lips, larger breast or bigger butt. But if we change one thing we have to change it all, because no matter how much we try change what we look like we cant change our mind and we will only continue to want to change things until we are unrecognisable! You should never EVER allow someone to make you feel worthless, ugly or insignificant... Because you are NOT! The wisest words I've ever heard! Coming from the amazing and beautiful soul that is Taylor swift... "We all come from different places, maybe we all have different accents, we have different hobbies and different backgrounds... No two people are the same. Its difficult to feel ok about yourself, every single day we go online and we scroll through the highlight reel of other peoples awesome lives. But we don't see the highlight reel of our awesome lives, all we see is the behind the scenes of our lives, we see every single moment from when we wake up and we're like "oh god not feeling my hair today, it's not gunna be a good day today for the hair", we see our doubts, our fears and our concerns. You're the only one inside your own brains feeling our own anxieties and voices that are telling you, you cant be who you wanna be or you're not who you wanna be or you wanna be like that person over there. Let me tell you, people are mean to each other but no voices are as mean as our own voices are to ourselves. Everyday when you look in the mirror and your mind is telling yourself all the things you are NOT, like you are "You're not cool enough" "You're not pretty enough" "You're not popular enough" "You're not successful enough" "You're not special" " You're not wanted" "You're not unique" those are NOT the things you are NOT!!!! Let me tell you the things you are not... You are NOT somebody else's opinion of you that's what you're not, you are NOT going nowhere just because you are not where you want to be YET! You are NOT damaged goods because you have made mistakes in your life. Those are the things you are NOT! Now let me tell you what you ARE... You ARE your own definition of beautiful and worthwhile and no one else's definition, you ARE wiser, stronger and smarter because you made mistakes in your life not damaged and lastly you ARE someone who is standing there going through your own battles, fighting your own ghosts, trying to cover your own scars, stressing about your own stresses, But instead of wallowing in them you got up... I've realised Its not about being perfect or feeling perfect, its just about getting on with things and after a while you look around and realise you're happy TODAY and that's all that matters! I want you to know one thing i have learnt and I'm still learning is that if you get rained on, you walk through a bunch of storms and life is constantly coming at you, it doesn't make you damaged it makes you clean!" DO NOT GIVE UP, YOU ARE A FIGHTER AND YOU ARE STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL... Don't EVER forget that! Love, the girl that's staring back at you xoxo |
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August 2017
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