Dear...
If you had only 24 hours to live...
What would you do? What would you say?
Now go ahead and live!
What would you do? What would you say?
Now go ahead and live!
Dear...
What do you do, When the one person who was always meant to love you, becomes your biggest let down? Express how you feel and move on! Dear dad,
I don't think you understand how many times I cried to myself while I blasted "perfect" by simple plan. Because there came a day where the song went from meaningless to describing everything I couldn't say! "Hey dad look at me Think back and talk to me Did I grow up according to plan? And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do? But it hurts when you disapprove all along" It's almost midnight and here I am, crying while I write this letter that you'll never read, why? Simple... You just don't care! The crazy thing is the more you pushed the harder I tried to keep you here, but i was just never strong enough was I? I was never enough for you to want to stick around and I honestly don't know who I disappointed more, you or me! "And now I try hard to make it I just wanna make you proud I'm never gonna be good enough for you Can't pretend that I'm alright And you can't change me" I honestly did everything I could think of to make you see how much I truly loved you and how badly I wanted you to love me to. I watched your stupid shows and tried to enjoy the movies you liked even though I hated most of them, I asked you about the stupid boats you had and how many fish you caught, I asked you what it took to get your boat license, I told you I wanted to go diving with you, I listened to all your favourite singers and bands, I only ever played the music you liked. I tried to learn all about computers and the software so I could do things on them just like you. I told people "I love my dad because we get along so well!" I said "my dad is great because we always have fun together" but that didn't last did it? "Cause we lost it all Nothing lasts forever I'm sorry I can't be perfect Now it's just too late and We can't go back I'm sorry I can't be perfect" I lost count of how many times I would sit on mums bed crying to her asking her why you only ever asked the boys to go fishing, or asked them to go for drives, or play fought with them, or watched movies and stuff with them. I forget how many times she had told me "I've told him he will lose you if he keeps pushing you away" I tried to forget about how hurt I felt, I kept trying and trying. I kept telling myself that it won't happen... "I won't give up!" No matter how many screaming arguments we had, no matter how many times you threatened to kick me out or the amount of times you even turned the power off because I wouldn't go to sleep when you said... I always said "just keep trying, don't give up" I'm sorry. But you hurt me to much and cared so little... I had to give up! "I try not to think About the pain I feel inside Did you know you used to be my hero? All the days you spent with me Now seem so far away And it feels like you don't care anymore And now I try hard to make it I just wanna make you proud I'm never gonna be good enough for you I can't stand another fight And nothing's alright" I even moved across the country to another state. You didn't say goodbye, you didn't offer to drive me to the airport... No one did! I had to bus it... I TOOK A BUS TO THE AIRPORT WITH 2 SUITCASES AND A CARRY BAG TO MOVE ACROSS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE CARED LESS!!!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? IM YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!! I heard from you, all of maybe a dozen times for the entire first year and a half I was even over here and then maybe 3 times in the 2nd year to the point where I had been hurt so bad and let down so hard, that I couldn't do it anymore. You know what the worse thing is? I spent my 22nd birthday sitting in the middle of a dim lit city crying my eyes out because I had finally had enough... I was sick of trying and not getting anything from you, you didn't try at all! You never called and then when I got a call saying that for me to ignore you was unfair... Well, I just couldn't do it anymore! I hung up and you called back, you kept calling to, but again you didn't listen when I told you to stop! I didn't want to talk to you! "Nothing's gonna change the things that you said Nothing's gonna make this right again Please don't turn your back I can't believe it's hard Just to talk to you But you don't understand" After a whole year of not speaking to you, has passed. I finally feel at peace enough within myself to move on, because I never planned on being like other people in the family. Believe me I wouldn't call what I have done a "grudge" because believe it or not I missed you every god damn day! It took more strength not to call you and talk to you than it did to try with you! But yet again... I tried one last time I TRIED and I get absolutely nothing! But that's ok... Because I remembered that song daddy. I remember that we lost it all, I remember that nothing lasts forever and I want to say I'm sorry I can't be perfect! But it's just to late and you know we can't go back. I'm sorry... I can't be perfect! Mummys little girl! Xo
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August 2017
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